Here it is – Wednesday. Half the week has passed by and I have been so busy as not to even write a peep on this blog. I have been feeling a bit out of sorts lately. Pastoral duties aside, I have been weighed down by the feeling (or lack thereof) in my mouth since my oral surgery last Tuesday. This coupled with the fact that my wife is feeling sore in the mouth since she also had oral surgery yesterday has really slowed me down, not just physically, but also emotionally.
It is funny how I can preach on “momentary light afflictions” and yet struggle to regard the way I am feeling as such. Just a MLA (momentary light affliction). Just a bump on the road to eternity (if even a bump as others endure so much more headache and heartache than I). It is in times like these that I see my lack of wisdom. I know I have knowledge. I know what I should think, how I should pray, how I should be trusting the Lord; but somewhere I seem to lack the wisdom to do it the way I should for wisdom is truly the application of knowledge. Anyone can have knowledge (the bare facts) but wisdom – that is a whole other talent.
I know that Christ is sufficient for all my needs, all my cares, all my concerns and hurts. But how do I now apply that knowledge when I can’t feel my lower right jaw with my lips and tongue burning and tingly? How do I apply that knowledge when it takes so much concentration to not be bothered by these sensations that I end up being bothered? How do I focus on Christ, and minister to others when my body keeps calling attention to itself? How do I keep myself from the sin of worry: is this condition permanent? So what if it is? How do I learn to cope and do so with grace? Will I feel silly if this goes away in another day or two, or week or two, or month or two?
Then we add the burden of ministry. People I love to serve who have problems of their own, some of which are far more severe than my own, some of which are far less. Life marches on. Results are expected. Relationships to be reconciled instantly. Doctrinal differences to be remedied to the satisfaction of all. Keeping everyone on the same page when I feel like I myself am falling off of it. Too much self pity, Ed! Too much focus on self, Ed!
Is this a crisis? I don’t think so. I am not ready to abandon ship. I love the calling of God on my life too much. But does that mean I won’t have my days of melancholy frustration? Does this make it wrong to question my ability to be a viable ministry? Does this mean it is wrong to cry in my pillow tears of concern for myself, my family, and my church? No, I am not sufficient. I will say it again, I, in myself, am not sufficient for the task. I must learn to trust, depend, lean, call upon, plead with and otherwise just look to Jesus all the more. His grace is sufficient – right?
“O Lord, please forgive my lack of faith; please forgive my lack of prayer, please forgive my focus on self – grant me grace to rise above the circumstances; grant me grace to ministry effectively to those I am called to shepherd and love; grant me grace to glorify You rightly.”
I may not be the most eloquent in preaching, the most effective in challenging, the most compassionate in ministering, the most reliable in communicating, but one thing I pray, that I will be all that Christ Jesus wants me to be right now and that this will be more than sufficient to meet the needs of my family, the needs of my church as well as my own needs. “Lord, grant me grace to live to Your glory.”
It is funny how I can preach on “momentary light afflictions” and yet struggle to regard the way I am feeling as such. Just a MLA (momentary light affliction). Just a bump on the road to eternity (if even a bump as others endure so much more headache and heartache than I). It is in times like these that I see my lack of wisdom. I know I have knowledge. I know what I should think, how I should pray, how I should be trusting the Lord; but somewhere I seem to lack the wisdom to do it the way I should for wisdom is truly the application of knowledge. Anyone can have knowledge (the bare facts) but wisdom – that is a whole other talent.
I know that Christ is sufficient for all my needs, all my cares, all my concerns and hurts. But how do I now apply that knowledge when I can’t feel my lower right jaw with my lips and tongue burning and tingly? How do I apply that knowledge when it takes so much concentration to not be bothered by these sensations that I end up being bothered? How do I focus on Christ, and minister to others when my body keeps calling attention to itself? How do I keep myself from the sin of worry: is this condition permanent? So what if it is? How do I learn to cope and do so with grace? Will I feel silly if this goes away in another day or two, or week or two, or month or two?
Then we add the burden of ministry. People I love to serve who have problems of their own, some of which are far more severe than my own, some of which are far less. Life marches on. Results are expected. Relationships to be reconciled instantly. Doctrinal differences to be remedied to the satisfaction of all. Keeping everyone on the same page when I feel like I myself am falling off of it. Too much self pity, Ed! Too much focus on self, Ed!
Is this a crisis? I don’t think so. I am not ready to abandon ship. I love the calling of God on my life too much. But does that mean I won’t have my days of melancholy frustration? Does this make it wrong to question my ability to be a viable ministry? Does this mean it is wrong to cry in my pillow tears of concern for myself, my family, and my church? No, I am not sufficient. I will say it again, I, in myself, am not sufficient for the task. I must learn to trust, depend, lean, call upon, plead with and otherwise just look to Jesus all the more. His grace is sufficient – right?
“O Lord, please forgive my lack of faith; please forgive my lack of prayer, please forgive my focus on self – grant me grace to rise above the circumstances; grant me grace to ministry effectively to those I am called to shepherd and love; grant me grace to glorify You rightly.”
I may not be the most eloquent in preaching, the most effective in challenging, the most compassionate in ministering, the most reliable in communicating, but one thing I pray, that I will be all that Christ Jesus wants me to be right now and that this will be more than sufficient to meet the needs of my family, the needs of my church as well as my own needs. “Lord, grant me grace to live to Your glory.”
Soli Deo Gloria,
Pastor Ed
p.s. - I am still working on my post entitled "Post-dental Joys"
2 comments:
God of peace,
Who has taught us that in returning and rest we will be saved, in quietness and confidence will be our strength: By the might of Your Spirit lift Pastor Ed and his wife, we pray, to Your presence, where they may be still and know that You are God; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
"Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus..." (Hebrews 10:19)
May we long to experience that confidence, that boldness, that openness to the presence of God because Jesus has made it so available by His blood, dying so that I might live - so let me live unto Him.
Thank you for your words "Monk"
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